Life must go on

I’m telling myself

that life must go on,

that time will continue to pass

and

that most of all,

I must choose to go on with it.

I cannot,

will not

allow my future to be stolen

because  I was too tired,

too weary,

and too beaten down

to fight another battle.

Cannot,

will not,

allow the past to enshroud my hope

because I was too unsure of myself

too unsure of You

to

put one foot in front of the other,

one more time,

one more day.

I cannot,

will not.

Allow fear to cripple my thoughts and pursuits

because,

I was too hopeless to get out of bed.

I cannot

and will not give in to cowardice

because

the recurring silence

and persistent noise

I could not stand.

I cannot

and will not.

Allow my foundation to crumble because

I was too faithless to speak to another mountain.

I’m telling myself

that I must refuse to become paralyzed, stagnant even,

on account of what has been and what could have been if only You or I would have done differently.

I’m telling myself

that

“it’s going to be ok”

that

“better days lie ahead”

I’m telling myself

that one day I’ll look back on this season and smile, laugh even;

I’ll be proud of the person I became,

I’ll be glad I didn’t give up, compromise or stop short of reaching my destination.

I’ll be happy the journey wasn’t easy,

I’m telling myself.

That it will all have been worth it.

So,

I fight on,

despite the tears and setbacks,

despite the sadness and gloom.

I fight on,

despite the really good days that quickly fade from my memory;

despite my not hearing from You as oft as I would like

or

my seeming inability to reach out to You when I need You most.

I fight on,

despite the sacrifice and the weight of my own cross.

All because,

I’m trusting You.

Emergent

emerging

me

from

depression.

I don’t believe it has to be a mystery

but for now

and for me

it is in many ways if not all together, a mystery

and a rather uncomfortable one.

depression.

painful is too pale a word with which to describe the experience

and haunting, one too generous.

it’s like a robber, a cheat;

a storm without end; a fierce foe;

a devourer of life and love and of anything worth anything.

without fanfare and seemingly without prompting

it overtakes and threatens to destroy.

and,

it destroys;

if only for a time,

it destroys.

existence becomes meaningless

and hope

devoid

of hope.

I’ve heard it’s not impossible to contain…

I’ve heard it’s manageable

yet in it’s grip lies unfathomable grief,

death lies waiting at the heart of the encounter.

depression is

a supporter of hatred and rivalry within and without;

it’s an ocean of chaos,

indiscriminate in it’s confiscation of wholeness, expression and movement.

depression is a lie;

it is an echo of truths twisted and confounded with an onslaught of rage and assumed defiance.

it scares me and I feel made

to be afraid.

afraid to live, afraid to not live, afraid to die.

afraid of being in between

afraid of the “what ifs”,  the”what nexts” and the “then so’s”

it’s literally like being consumed by the forces of hell,

albeit it isn’t.

inside I’m screaming the unutterable at deafening decibels  and in a language so indescribable…in some ways, even untraceable.

i’m alone in the midst of many others;

wide awake with consciousness superb…

despicably

superb.

I’m held very close yet alienated

marginalized:

by myself.

 

 

 

 

 

On Rising Well

I wake up this morning and feel like I’m in a rush

What a familiar “feel”!

In a rush…

To get somewhere I’m not even sure I want to be?

Lies!

Poke at the back of my mind

Speaking impending failure, embarrassment and shame

Of doubt, carelessness and disaster

Of looming danger and many reasons to panic

I’m running now!

Getting out of here is surely to my gain

No way to spend my time in fear, disgust and tears

I WILL SUCCEED!

No simpler way to put it

In fact, I’m counting on me

And that’s what’s real

backyard fun