Life must go on

I’m telling myself

that life must go on,

that time will continue to pass

and

that most of all,

I must choose to go on with it.

I cannot,

will not

allow my future to be stolen

because  I was too tired,

too weary,

and too beaten down

to fight another battle.

Cannot,

will not,

allow the past to enshroud my hope

because I was too unsure of myself

too unsure of You

to

put one foot in front of the other,

one more time,

one more day.

I cannot,

will not.

Allow fear to cripple my thoughts and pursuits

because,

I was too hopeless to get out of bed.

I cannot

and will not give in to cowardice

because

the recurring silence

and persistent noise

I could not stand.

I cannot

and will not.

Allow my foundation to crumble because

I was too faithless to speak to another mountain.

I’m telling myself

that I must refuse to become paralyzed, stagnant even,

on account of what has been and what could have been if only You or I would have done differently.

I’m telling myself

that

“it’s going to be ok”

that

“better days lie ahead”

I’m telling myself

that one day I’ll look back on this season and smile, laugh even;

I’ll be proud of the person I became,

I’ll be glad I didn’t give up, compromise or stop short of reaching my destination.

I’ll be happy the journey wasn’t easy,

I’m telling myself.

That it will all have been worth it.

So,

I fight on,

despite the tears and setbacks,

despite the sadness and gloom.

I fight on,

despite the really good days that quickly fade from my memory;

despite my not hearing from You as oft as I would like

or

my seeming inability to reach out to You when I need You most.

I fight on,

despite the sacrifice and the weight of my own cross.

All because,

I’m trusting You.

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Not yet done with hypomania after all

Natural Season: Hypomania

Did I say last that I was “checking in after hypomania”?

Not quite, turns out I am approaching 6 weeks with hypomania having had a short “lull” somewhere in the middle maybe.

Not sure I have ever recognized a “period” of hypomania. Last manic episode was all-consuming and didn’t begin with hypomania to speak of.

After that there was a short low and now…Hypomania “to the rescue” (to steal one of my nephew’s favourite phrases)

Being hypomanic during exams and executing end of semester assignments is helpful to say the least (thanking God).

Thing is, I have noticed since starting the MSc Applied Psychology programme that spurts of hypomania have reliably characterized the end of semester activities (exams and assignments). They have covered the roughly 2 weeks that are usually comprised of these activities. Were it not so, I perhaps would not have made it to the exam rooms let alone hand-in assignments (whether complete or incomplete). What can I say? I am learning to do what I can and pray for the best.

The alternative? Succumbing to paralysis of the mind and perfectionist tendencies and doing nothing. That would be a “bad scene” (one of my nephew’s mother’s favourite phrases). I love you Big Sis (big smile)

Anyhew, I could go on and on (as my bipolar compatriots can attest to whenever they’ve been hypomanic) but 2nd to last assignment for this semester awaits my attention.

Best!