Alive on one beautiful island.
I consider myself fortunate, blessed rather to have received an early diagnosis. At least I knew what was causing my symptoms. I’m sure I have issues that aren’t linked to my having bipolar disorde…
I usually finish these pieces with a paragraph to tie loose ends, but this piece in particular calls for special attention.
If there is one submission that you must read – it is this one.
My dear friend and one of my first followers, Ross, has written this incredible piece discussing life AFTER illness.
Yes, I did say AFTER.
Ross has gone on to lead a very active life after suffering for years with many mysterious symptoms, and Doctors who doubted him.
Please, PLEASE read and follow him at recoverychannel.wordpress.com
I guarantee there will be NO disappointments…
1 Pm and the alarm sounds. Glancing away from my keyboard I take a short breath and begin to rummage through a handful of medications, its that time of day. That time of day for the just over three thousand, four hundred and I’ve lost count dosages that keep this motor running.
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I’m on the look out for depression, learning I have to be ready just in case. It can only help to be prepared since mood swings are part and parcel of having bipolar disorder.
Day in, day out: monitoring. Am I anxious? Irritable? Too tired? Not tired enough? Er, is that a side effect?
Having a regular routine is also advisable, same time to bed every night, same time out of bed in the morning- it is harder than it sounds but not impossible.
Having a mental illness is a full-time job for which you don’t get paid on a schedule. I can attest however to the rewards of diligence.
Patience and hope I need by the truckload and of course, help. In the final analysis, we’re all dependent on someone else anyway. I’m learning the importance of valuing my team.
So, who’s on your side?
‘Tyad’ is how I feel on most visits to see my psychiatrist
As we sit to talk, I feel overwhelmed; I feel like screaming “MERCY!”
Instead I say (trusting that he’ll understand where I am): “I don’t know how much more of this I can take…”
His reply is always optimistic
I’m still here right? (I think)
Still I’m tired:
- of the pressure to survive bipolar disorder
- of trudging through the days an emotional wreck
- of worrying that I am trudging
- of hoping that it will be better tomorrow
Tired of the weight of bipolar disorder. Of embracing it, of not, of having others embrace it with me…or not.
Job 2:7-10 New International Version (NIV)
7 So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. 8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.
9 His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”
10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish[a] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
Sooner or later I would have to come to terms with the fact that God allowed me to get depressed. Just as how, whenever I was manic or hypomanic, He allowed me to be so, He also allowed me to be depressed.
I don’t believe He causes these states to come upon me but He doesn’t prevent them from happening either. He has His reasons and I’m ok with that. I don’t know what they are and more than likely never will but I’m okay with that too. I will have to endure those seasons because giving up is a most unviable option. Painful they have been and painful they will continue to be…but confusing, not so.
Simply because I don’t understand “why” doesn’t mean I must resign myself to being perplexed, bitter and angry. Oh how I have been perplexed, bitter and angry…at God. “How could He???!!!”, I think (screaming and shouting inside).
Lord may I rest in the knowledge that You are clear about what You’re doing. My life may seem to be “up in shambles” but You God are never caught off guard.
Similarly, time spent depressed isn’t time lost, I have the power to make it time well spent because He who is all-powerful is on my side. His word says that He is working everything to my good.
In those times, although I don’t feel like myself I can use any semblance of consciousness to my advantage. I can praise God because He hasn’t changed. If I happen to become incoherent, I perhaps will not feel God’s presence but He’s there.
When I am depressed:
I feel sad; the hopelessness is tangible
I feel unworthy of life: wishing I could “un-exist”
I hear voices berating me, creating a war within me which I feel powerless to fight; ashamed I hang my head low
My existence becomes as one waiting to die; seemingly I have absolutely nothing to live for…yet I am not alone.
Psalm 43:5 New International Version (NIV)
5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
To life BD Compatriots!